I have never expected too much from poeple around me and I did nothing wrong to hurt like this right now and I am really furious… That’s how all the stories end when I give different poeple/situations a try. I am not sure if it’s a sort of destiny or natural predisposition to fuck everything up or probably being fucked up or maybe something else but I feel like in the middle of the biggest NOWHERE when I try to be good to people who are also good but I want them to be better. Or maybe I am not good enough to think that they are good enough and give them a chance? Whatever. Sometimes I really get this feeling that my head weights far more than my torso, ass and legs altogether… It’s not like I am going to humilitate myself or put myself down for all of my sins which are not exclusively my sins; I want to defend myself too. OK, maybe it’s ridiculous but indecisiveness is the worst thing that one can experience. And so, I am in such relationship (how do you call a relationship with no relation?) where I want to work on myself to get better and better and the other person doesn’t care because… Just because. What should I do? It’s getting more and more difficult to find a common ground; different goals, different paths, different dreams… So why do I seem to stick to the guy? Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe I’m still hoping for something good? At this point I must say that the guy is a lovely person, he’s good, he’s got a lot of feelings… but there is something wrong, anyways. If I tried to live his life, I would be almost the most unhappy girl in the whole world; if he tried to get to my life, he would miss almost everything he would had given up. Either way, same shit. It’s so hard to imagine especially when it’s really a person who you care for. Sometimes I want to move to the space.
I have never given people chances, and I was OK with that. Well, maybe I was down at times but that’s just human natutre; and now when I finally overcame my damn fright, the very first feeling (or rather a mix of feelings) that I am experiencing is : DISAPPOINTMENT , WRATH, HOPE. If I can’t be sure of this particular thing, I can’t be sure of anything else anymore.
Two days ago I had a birthday; nothing special. His wishes were so empty, althought very nice written, that I felt at that particular moment when I read them that I’m going to burst into tears. I feel so unwanted.