Don’t trust anyone – that was my first life principle throughout years and because I decided to break it once, I’ve learnt the lesson I didn’t wish to learn.
It was 2008 when I decided to study English studies. I wasn’t too much into British and American literature (Polish literature is also a weak point of mine – well, maybe I shouldn’t write it but it’s true statement so yeah) but linguistics was something I wanted to dive into. The first year was a total mess for me – if you asked me what do I remember from the first year I would probably answer: nothing, and so it is, indeed. The second year came and also, I don’t remember too much. Maybe single subjects but not relations because I wasn’t too popular. I was too shy. When the third year came, it was the first year of more or less serious decisions. It was not a year of fun as at the end I had to choose my major and minor beat. You know, like in journalism: what attracts my attention more and what is not too attractive at all. Two years of my MA passed so fast and I was quite proud to have my diploma. I attended the post gradute studies in legal and judicial translation and I thought that I have so much luck that it couldn’t ever get any worse. Throughout all those years I always had someone to talk to and I always had in mind that there is this awesome girl I met while studying English and I could always say hi or ask how are you, it ws just nce. I wasn’t too self confident and I have to admit that she somehow helped to enter the world.
But now she’s gone. She doesn’t exist for me anymore because of reasons I don’t want to talk about because simply they don’t exist anymore, just like the girl. Well, I understand people come and go but when it happens that often the only thing I think about is to build up walls and surround myself with them. Again, I get the feeling that people attack me with no reason. I really tried to believe that not everything is as bad as I thought; but unfortunately it is. Again, I get the feeling that people only wait for my failure to enjoy the fall of mine.
I feel down and it is really hard to admit. I don’t get why people want you to live your life on their own terms. Why do people require from you things? I don’t find myself too offensive or controvarsial, I am just like other humans, I say bad things at times and I do equally bad things at times too, but the worst thing is that other people decide who deserves forgiveness and justifications and who doesn’t. Why do people decide what is proper for others? On what basis do they decide on what, where, why, with whom, and so on? If the particular thing doesn’t irritate them in one group of people then why they find it bad in the other group? Isn’t it better to say nothing if someone has actually nothing to say but talks whatever?
I was so blind throughout all of these years when I took all the good words and smiles for granted. It is just another lesson to learn. I was too emotionally engaged maybe but managed to understand few things, thank you.